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Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm
Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids

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doing tonight?

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Fantastic. We've got another perfect
show for you tonight. Abby Elliott and

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Holmes are here.

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But first, if bad news were money, I'd
be rolling in it.

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What's shaken, Michael J. Fox has
released his very own cupcake in honor

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Parkinson's Awareness Month.

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The bakery that made them said he was
very hands -on.

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but they still turned out okay.

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Who cut one?

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Authorities have revealed that Dylan
Quick, the student who stabbed 14 people

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a Texas college last week, is deaf.

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Turns out he was just asking for
directions to the library and forgot he

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holding a knife.

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Can't beat this one. Last week, it was
reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown

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broken up after he was spotted holding a
waitress's hand at a bar.

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Chris Brown denied that there was
anything romantic about the gesture. He

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just trying to break her hand.

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Now let's get into this one. A father
and son were found shot dead in a Utah

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national park last week. Police are
trying to determine if it was a double

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suicide or a murder -suicide, which
means this is the first time a family

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ever hoped for a double suicide.

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Make me feel good. Halle Berry has
announced she's pregnant with her second

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child at the ripe old age of 46.

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To prepare, today Halle bought herself
the best -selling book, What to Expect

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When You're Expecting Your Baby to Have
Down Syndrome.

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Irresponsible, yeah.

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Wish You Were Here, the body of a 21
-year -old woman, was found in the Grand

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Canyon last week after she'd been
missing since January.

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The body was hard to spot since it
blended in with its surroundings. I

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was beautiful.

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Now, I don't know what to think about
this one. Police in Toronto are looking

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for four obese women who raped a 19
-year -old boy after promising to drive

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home.

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Just when you thought things couldn't
get any worse for Justin Bieber.

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Now, can I get an amen?

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Amen! The 27 -year -old son of
megachurch pastor Rick Warren committed

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by shooting himself in the head last
week.

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Suicide is a sin, but all the religious
instruction this guy received went in

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one ear and right out the other.

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Land ho after recent troubles. The
Carnival Cruise Line is offering rates

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as $38 a night for a Caribbean vacation.

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That includes travel, lodging, and all
you can eat of your own.

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And finally, this is scary.

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Spice Girl Mel B was booed by the crowd
while acting as a judge on America's Got

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Talent because she criticized a comedian
who made a black joke.

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The crowd thought Mel B was being
hypocritical since she herself is a

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joke.

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That was a great monologue.

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Anthony! Anthony!

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Anthony! Anthony!

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Anthony!

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Fashion,

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you can't get away from it. It's
everywhere.

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But no two people ever seem to wear it
the same. Let's take a peek at some

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similar looks to find out who wore it
better.

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First up, we've got Nicole Kidman or
Rachel McAdams.

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Rachel McAdams has that red carpet
razzmatazz, while Nicole Kidman looks

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she got run over by a frump truck.

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Up next, it doesn't get any easier.

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Willem Dafoe or Baraka from Mortal
Kombat?

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Baraka has that red carpet razzmatazz.

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While Willem Dafoe looks like his
finishing move is cocaine.

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Now let's look at aborted fetus or
complimentary Ritz -Carlton paperweight.

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Aborted fetus has that red carpet
razzmatazz.

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While complimentary paperweight says,
hey, thanks for being a great mom.

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Now this is a tough one.

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Eight limbs, baby?

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Or potato left in the kitchen too long?

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Eight Limbs Baby has that red carpet
razzmatazz.

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While the potato doesn't even have one
leg to stand on.

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Moving on to Face Transplant Guy.

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Or Zoot from Dr.

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Teeth and the Electric Man.

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Transplant Guy has that red carpet
razzmatazz.

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While Zoot looks like he forgot to put
on his face that day.

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And finally, who wore it better?

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Bubbles from Finding Nemo?

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Or Adam Lanza from his college ID?

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Bubbles has that red carpet razzmatazz.
Well, Adam Lanza looks like he's

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shooting blanks in fashion school.

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And that was Who Wore Better?

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We'll be right back.

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More than four panels. Call your panel.
It's time for panel.

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Please welcome from SNL and How I Met
Your Mother, it's Abby Elliott.

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And he's the regular on Conan and host
of the popular You Made It Weird

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it's Pete Holmes.

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Thanks for being here, guys. Abby, I'm
going on tour soon. Are you available to

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house sit for me?

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No, I am actually currently house
sitting for Zachary Quinto.

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Zachary Quinto?

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Yeah. Who's that?

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He's from Star Trek.

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Star Trek?

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Yeah. Who's that?

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He's related to Star Wars.

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Now, Pete, you once wrote a joke for me.
Uh -huh.

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And I refuse to do it.

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I honestly don't know why you won't do
it. It's perfect for you.

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Can I tell it? Yeah, please. Give it a
home?

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I was in a mall.

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And I saw a t -shirt that said, I didn't
ask to be born Mexican. God just likes

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me more.

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I said, I love it.

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And asked them if it was available in
white.

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Ready to go, Jesselnik. See?

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That one's ready to go.

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Now, here's why I would never tell that
joke.

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I would never say, I like that t -shirt.

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Now let's get right into it with the
best worst thing of the week. Of all the

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awful news stories, this one's my
favorite.

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Don't rape me, bro.

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Engineering students in India have
designed anti -rape lingerie that will

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potential attackers with 3 ,800 volts of
electricity.

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So it's official.

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Romance is dead.

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That has to be an awkward item to remove
at airport security.

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Yeah, no, I am not buying that at all.
You know that the iRape 2 is going to

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come out in like six months.

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Can I speak to the Mormons for a second?
Hey, Mormons.

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Look, a pair of magical underwear that
actually does something.

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This is a really great product. You
know, how it protects a woman is it

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shocking her until she leaves India.

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I know you said leaves India, but it
sounds like leans into you.

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Which is horrible.

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True, no one would ever want to lean
into you.

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I've had sex!

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Take that, high school and college!

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Although, Anthony, this is underwear
that shocks the potential rapist. Is

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why your hair is sticking up?

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That's good.

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That's good.

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I can be mean!

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The thing about this that's good is that
if this malfunctions, there is an

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Indian guy there for tech support.

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Now, guys, what are some other rape
prevention accessories you can wear?

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Well... Talk about new girl forever.

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Yeah. That's a rape, anti -rape. Yeah.
Yeah. Have an even hotter friend who

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hangs out with you.

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Oh, yeah. You know what I would wear is
a T -shirt that says, ask me about my

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raging syphilis.

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That reminds me, Pete, how is your
raging syphilis?

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Up next is the worst best thing of the
week. There are a lot of positive

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out there, and this was by far the worst
one.

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Black tie inside, white hood outside.

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A high school in Georgia has announced
plans to hold its first integrated prom

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in 30 years.

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Yeah. It was decided after a vote in
which women were not allowed to vote.

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Another example of inequality being
stopped with the power of damp.

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Yeah. I'm just excited they finally have
an integrated lesbian prom to attend.

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It's not fair. Black people get to do
everything.

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I mean, I never got to go to a Georgia
prom.

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Ever. Or be president, or be Beyonce.

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You know who I feel bad for is the one
kid who is blaming not having a date to

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the prom on his imaginary black
girlfriend.

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She's busy, guys!

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Now, is there any way to throw an
integrated prom that will satisfy the

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racists, too? You know?

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Like, maybe all the chaperones could
have fire hoses?

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I feel like give them Oxycontin and play
some Kid Rock and they'll be good.

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Or just have it a place they'll never
hear about it, like the library.

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Political.

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What are you guys, racists? You're like,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Give them a chance.

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They read a lot of hate literature.

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I can't wait to hear about their first
openly gay prom from my condo on the

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moon.

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It's in the future.

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All right, guys, we've been making a lot
of jokes about this stuff, but I want

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to know how open -minded you guys were
in high school. So before the show, we

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asked you both the same question, had
you write your answers down on a card,

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right? Now, Pete, I want you to guess
how many black friends Abby had her

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year of high school.

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Well, I would have to say you seem
pretty progressive.

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You have a welcoming vibe.

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You made that black people get to do
everything joke earlier.

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I'm going to say you had three sassy
black friends.

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One of them is gay.

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And he moonwalked everywhere.

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Please edit that out.

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No.

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That is staying in for sure.

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Abby, how do you do? Hold up your sign.

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Um, okay.

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Five. Five black friends.

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How many black friends did Pete have? I
cannot... Keep in mind, black people

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hate Pete's comedy. Yeah.

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I can't see... Yeah, I can't see that.

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00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:32,920
One?

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00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:34,720
One. That is offensive.

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00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:37,920
Zero!

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00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:39,900
Wow.

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00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:46,720
I had... It was high school. I had three
friends. Okay, cool.

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A Puerto Rican, a Spaniard, and a Jew.

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00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:54,370
They wouldn't let me have a black one.
Yeah, maybe because you referred to them

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as a Puerto Rican, a Spaniard, and a
Jew.

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That was their idea!

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00:12:00,510 --> 00:12:02,850
How about you? How many black friends
did you have in high school?

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00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:12,430
There was an old lady who lived in a
panel. She had so many panels, she

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00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:14,490
know what's a panel. We'll be right back
with more panels.

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00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:34,980
Welcome back. Just when you thought it
was panel to go back in the panel, we've

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00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:36,540
got more panel. It's more panel.

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And now for our segment, culture
clubbing, where we take a baseball bat

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00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,760
china shop of human intellectual
achievement, where sometimes we just

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football. According to new reports, not
one but four NFL players are currently

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considering coming out of the closet as
gay.

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00:13:01,319 --> 00:13:05,420
This is... This is horrifying stuff, you
guys.

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I like to think they're not just going
to come out of the closet, but they're

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00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,900
going to run out of the closet through a
huge tearaway banner.

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00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,740
I know, I just think there's nothing
worse than having some guy check out

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00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:19,080
junk in the locker room. You know, I
mean, what is this? Every gym in

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00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,200
Please, please, Anthony, tell me they're
on the Bears.

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00:13:25,860 --> 00:13:27,460
I would say probably the Packers.

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00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,060
Here's a hint as to which four it was.
It was the four guys who fainted during

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00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:38,420
Beyonce's halftime show.

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00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,620
Yeah, four guys. It's so Sex and the
City of them.

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Get ready for smaller, more tasteful
Super Bowl rings.

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00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:50,940
Gay football players?

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What's next?

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00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:53,140
Gay priest?

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00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,080
I mean... Can I just say that a gay
man...

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00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:02,140
can ruin his knees and suffer long -term
brain loss just as well as a straight

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00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,140
man?

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00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,400
Is it worth doing that one again?

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00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:07,260
I'm going to say no.

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00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:08,460
Do it again.

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00:14:08,980 --> 00:14:10,160
Do it again right now.

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00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,420
Do it again. We're going to leave it in
twice.

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00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:18,860
You know, Anthony, I'm just going to go
out on a limb and say a straight man can

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suffer long -term brain damage just as
well as a gay man. I said it the wrong

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00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,100
way.

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00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:27,710
I'll give you one more chance, Pete.
This is your Jesus moment. Knock it down

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00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:28,710
third try.

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00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:36,590
You know, Anthony, I'm just saying a gay
man can

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00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:42,950
incur permanent knee damage for a
fleeting game and long -term brain

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00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:49,650
due to flimsy, ineffective helmets,
albeit them colorful, just

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00:14:49,650 --> 00:14:51,810
as well as a heterosexual male.

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One more time, I blinked, I think.

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Gay people and straights are the same.
They play a game called football, and

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sometimes you hurt your head.

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What do you guys think are some signs
that an NFL player could be gay?

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You know, like, all their tackling
dummies look like the mentalist.

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Their end zone dance is a sophisticated
foxtrot.

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They call Terry Bradshaw Tarrant.

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If they are Tim Tebow.

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If they are Tim Tebow, yes, yes.

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That's a fact.

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If they win the Super Bowl, instead of
yelling, I'm going to Disney World, they

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yell, I'm going to a tropical island
where they don't allow photographs.

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If they have gay sex.

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That's a dead giveaway.

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That's a dead giveaway.

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Up next is for the ladies. If we look
down through the glass ceiling, it's

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stories for women.

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Maybe she's a slut, maybe it's
Maybelline. Some women's groups are

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00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:03,800
stand against nail polish names like
Sparkly Tramp because it disempowers

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Abby, you're a woman. So Pete, do you
think these names are sexy?

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Anthony, I told you I wear f*** drunk
slut in confidence!

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I don't think so. I think women are
lucky that they even get nail polish.

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I have to wear a black magic marker
while I listen to The Cure.

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I don't think the goths would accept
you, Pete.

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You son of a bitch. That would be the
meanest thing I've ever said to anyone.

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Yeah, I think it's obvious, though, that
all these makeup companies are run by

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men. Because some of these names are
really smart and creative.

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I need my nail polish to call me a party
slut, okay? That's what my boyfriend is

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for. I'm just kidding. I don't have a
boyfriend.

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Oh, good. Because I'm a party slut.

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All right.

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I think they should have fun, sassy
names like party slut. Nobody wants a

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00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:11,339
polish called Janet Reno paying her
taxes on her.

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No one would ever buy that.

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No, I don't want to see that.

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while I'm walking into Duane Reade
buying my Plan B and my jumbo

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vaginal condom.

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00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:31,700
Hey, Anthony, you know what a slutty
girl's underwear and a slutty girl's

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00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:32,700
polish have in common?

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You've never seen either one?

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They both come

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00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,120
off with alcohol.

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Let your baby take its last steps. It's
defending your tweet.

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You tweeted it, so I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of all

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these people.

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Abby, let's start with you. On July 4th,
you tweeted, proud to be an American

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girl, celebrating today by getting spray
tanned, blonde highlights, and smoking

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weed out of my civic.

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00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:29,250
Abby, defend your tweet.

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that this was taken out of context
because I was smoking weed in a lot of

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places, too. Oh.

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No, I just can't say that.

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Good. That's good.

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I'm going to allow that as a defense of
your tweet, but I don't think you know

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what out of context means.

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Now, Pete, on February 14th, this is a
Valentine's Day tweet, so you know it's

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going to be extra sad.

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You tweeted, I don't get it, you guys.

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Foodies just want to eat chill new food
with me, but this bookie hates reading

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and wants to break my legs.

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Pete Holmes, defend your tweet.

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00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:08,970
You know, Anthony, I don't think you're
going to believe this, but I actually am

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00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:09,970
a bookie.

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00:19:10,290 --> 00:19:13,810
So I flipped it and kind of wrote from
the perspective of the guy whose legs I

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00:19:13,810 --> 00:19:14,810
break.

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00:19:15,410 --> 00:19:18,530
You know, I'm a good bookie. Nobody
suspects the guy that looks like lesbian

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00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:19,530
Kilmer.

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00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:22,260
It makes sense.

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00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,540
It makes sense that you're a bookie,
because I was wondering this whole time

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you could possibly make your living.

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00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,920
But thank you guys both for being here
tonight.

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00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:35,340
Be sure to check out Pete's hour
special, Nice Try, The Devil, premiering

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00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:39,320
12th on Comedy Central. And see Abby on
an upcoming episode of Inside Amy

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00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,340
Schumer, which premieres Tuesday, April
30th on Comedy Central.

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00:19:42,580 --> 00:19:43,760
We'll be right back with more stuff.

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00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:02,590
Thanks again to Abby Elliott and Pete
Holmes. Also get tickets to my new

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00:20:02,590 --> 00:20:07,050
tour at AnthonyJeselnik .com and follow
me on Twitter at AnthonyJeselnik and at

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00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:11,410
the show blog at cc .com slash Jeselnik.
We'll see you next week. Before I go,

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00:20:11,470 --> 00:20:13,970
let's take a look back at the best
moments from tonight's show.

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Too loud.

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00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,630
Too loud.

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00:20:52,590 --> 00:20:54,290
Good night, kids. Go read a book.

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00:21:07,030 --> 00:21:08,030
Hey, Jenny.

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00:21:08,170 --> 00:21:09,169
Yeah, Anthony?

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00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:12,870
What happens in the delivery room when a
pregnant teen has been shooting heroin?

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00:21:13,110 --> 00:21:14,710
I don't know, Anthony. What does happen?

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Nothing. The baby's stillborn.